lalala....everywhere I look around!

Has anyone else noticed the spring feelings all around? more happy couples...smiles..happy and cheery people in general...*sighs* ..If I wouldn't be head over heels in love myself I'd probably find it aweful and hard to take..BUT..I am soooooooooooo damn badly in love.

please feel free to call me a stupid idiot...because I just rushed from one distant relationship into another...and the two of them just live 2 floors apart. Yeah...dunno how that happend lol

I just spent two great weeks with a even more marvelous person...I've never before..EVER been so much on the same level with anyone like that..it's amazing how often we'd just think the same thing at the same time. Scarry because I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to think the same things I do lol
Anyways...We spent a week in Amsterdam..which is just such a lovely city I'll hopefully return to one day. We met so many great people that supported us and made this trip a little easier.
We also went tu Munich and the alps ..which was just the most incredible view.

So looks like it I'll be back in the USA soon again after all...for some reason that doesn't really suprise me ;)

weee..I stole this from Muppet who stole it from Azonia *grin*

OMG ..where did January go???

A whole month and I havn't achieved ANYTHING. I did go to meet up with a study adviser....which didn't really help me out that much. It only made me see once again that I have absolutly no clue what direction I wanne go. The only thing I could come up with was Psychology....which is pretty hard over here..but the only thing I could think of that really catches my interest. I can't start studying that until October though....and I can't even apply until JUNE!! O_o

Remember my little story with that guy...I hope he never reads that...he asked me the other day if I had a blog and I said yes...that definetly made him curious..dang..so IF YOU SHOULD EVER READ THIS, Chris...haha..your own fault..I bet afterwards you wish you wouldn't have!!!

I am still looking for a job...since it's still too freakin cold out for my old job in the cleaning company. I'd love to work in Berlin..but since I live like half an hour away and dont have my drivers liscense yet..I can't count on the trains...most jobs I'd have to work over night or late hours and wouldnt be able to take the train home...which would definetly suck ;) I would love to have an appartement in the city but can't affor living by myself right now. And anyways...there is only one person I would wanne move in with.*big sigh*

sooooo ...I hope my dull life will end soon...hopefully sooner then later... :(

Today is actually a good day.....the best I had in a long time...for once I didn't worry a lot...actually felt like a lot of weight from the past months just dropped off my shoulders..maybe its going to get better now..I really hope so!!

I also started thinking about alternatives...different ways I could choose and eventually end up being happy. I might even start with making my driver's liscense which I always waited to do because it's much cheaper in the US. Then I'll go have an appointement with a study adviser..so I might find out what direction I wanne go into if I should start studying again...

It feels so much better to have perspective once again...and I am actually excited again about what's to come!

I even feel like making SG vids again...the first big investement will be a laptop..god I swear lol

Just a few days ago I read at one of those wise calender quotes: "Every end is a new beginning"
Now..if that's a good or bad thing everyone has to decide for themselves.

So..how is everyone going to spend the last day of the year? Are you happy another one is finally done with or are you at the point where every new year brings you closer to the END? ;)

But since I am in a state of constant denial...what day is it anyways? no special one, right? So I'll just spent the evening by myself...whatch some tv..turn my cellphone off to keep the fasade from crumbling...then hope I'll get tired long before midnight. Ph come on...that definetly deserves some pitty??? just a wee bit..pleassseeee!!!!

so...what else is new? ahh yupp: the wedding is off....my plans to go overseas as well..I just applied for a job as a flight attendant..now I know..everyone that knows me is going to say: BUT YOU HATE FLYING!!!!! That might be true..as a passenger at least. Now if that's not a reason to be depressive and moody I wouldn't know what could be! But heads up..it can't get much worse..but oh..wait..I am still hopelessly crushed with a guy that is waiting for his ex gurlfriend to come back to him (who isn't me)..and will be waiting for her for the rest of his life ..with my luck. And there is still teh fact that now where the holidays are over..all my friends will be gone again..so many more weekends of nothingness to come..yuppie yuppie...20 years old and so darn frustrated already..

Actually it could be quite a movie script: she..engaged with an american meets him..charming, good looking in his best years male who is also interested in her (meaning giving her his phone number and longingly staring at her in a spa) She ..because she is such a nice person..contacts him telling him her story...he..wont give up, telling her he wont get her out of his head and that she is the first girl he is paying attention to since his ex left him...She has pitty for him (because she has a strong need of helping all lost souls..especially male ones) and thinks after all he is nice and it wouldnt hurt to get to know him...AS FRIENDS! *roles eyes* He agrees that he can manage and they meet up...everything is fine at first..they get along perfectly fine..have a blast and keep meeting up once a week or so..they also text message each other like 10 times a day...what a blimey friendship! She notices after awhile that he is too darn handsome to keep hands off..she also adores the way that he can hold himself back..quite a job for a man..but she has too be strong because she knows what's wrong and right. After a long night at the movies she sleeps over at his place and he mentions that he can go to sleep the easiest if someone rubs his back....the nice girl she is she wouldn't reject a friend a good backrub, eh? back becomes stomach..which he obviously enjoys..nothing more happens though...which is a pitty because she wasn't the one who stopped it all. He tells her about his ex girlfriend comming to visit more recently....never clearly stating if she wants him back or not..he is low after everytime she comes around but still has his new best female friend to find comfort. After some obvious statements about how they feel for each other...SHE ..the naiv, trusting girl she is..admits to him that she can't go on lying to her fiancee..she also admits that she doesn't wanne leave this country anymore..nor marry..that the only thing she wants is to be with him. He..who never wants to destroy anything..the selfless person he is..replies that he isn't ready for a new relationship ..for nobody..because the pain is still too deep and that it would only make them unhappy..he also doesn't want HER to give up her dreams for him. HE also adds that there is no need to feel guilty because after all nothing happend..neither did they kiss..nor did they get romanticaly involved in any other way..so..where is the problem..she should still be all happy and cheery..The real reason..which turns out a bit later is: his ex girlfriend was there the day before (perfect timing) getting his hopes up. Sooo..SHE is well let's say..shocked..after all she thought he was the one that liked her from the beginning..after all you don't give somebody your phonenumber if you only want to get to know them (at least guys dont)..you dont tell someone the things he told her..and you dont look at someone the way he did if you only want to be friends. She wants to hate him...instead she decides that he means to much to her as a friend..she tells him that she can handle them still seeing each other and being..yeah..FRIENDS. After all that happend ...she just can't go on like before and lie to herself and her fiancee...she tells her fiancee that she has doubts about the wedding..bur since he loves her unconditionally he is sure that they can resolve those problems and that its normal to have second thoughts...it's jsut a phase that will go away. SHE is convinced though, that her life has come to a turning point..that all her dreams have suddenly disolved into thin air..She wants to stay home..she decides to apply as a flight attendant...things are back to normal with her "friend"..after all she just wants HIM to be Happy ....

to be continued...

All rights reserved guys...

woah..finally I can get myself to update....lotsss of weird things have been happening in the last 2 months of my life....I can't talk about it until everything is over and done with...

But christmas time is not going to be easy this year..I can tell you this much...Everything I used to believe in has suddenly turned overhead..my believes..my values and morals..in general..my idea of what is wrong and right.

I have a feeling that my christmas night will consist mostly of longing for something that is unreachable at the time...being lonely and in love at the same time can definetly rip ones soul out.

For I have always been determined about where to go and what to do with my life..all that has become only a matter of the past. A forgotten ...a rather far fetched memory of a different life I seemed to have had a long time ago.

No Stargate Updates lately..still my same old computer problem..but also no interest at all at the time. It just doesn't seem like a very important thing right now.

Therefor I havn't spoken to many sg mates lately..which I somewhat feel bad about..hold on..the earth doesn't revolve around me?

erm yeah..I don't make much sense lately either..have I mentiond that? LOL

great song for me right now "Too lost in you" from the Sugarbabes...
instead I am listening to the newest Franz Ferdinand lol can that be right?

Anyways..a jolly good christmas to everyone..and lots of happyness and all the kinds of things you drag out from the last corner of your lifes just because it's christmas time..jolly good!

Well..once more I am back in Germany....as usual I am comming back with mixed feelings. On the one hand I really enjoy being back with my parents and enjoying the great food but of course I really miss Chandler...especially now after we got engaged :(

Thew other thing is that it turned out really tough to find a job back here..so I am pretty much back to buming all day..which I am definetly sick of after all those months!! Plus I so need the money...I am so running out of cash :S

For everyone who plans to get married in the USA...the perwork s a pain in the..behind!! It takes at least 3 month (and that's pretty fast for Minnesota)for our application to be processed and then who knows how long it will take for them to send it over here to the Berlin embassy...*sigh* So really all I can do right now is wait and see when they are going to call me and hopefully grand me my Fiancee visa so I can go back as soon as possible!

For my vidding process right now...0,00 % lol argh..it is so frustrating..I am so full of ideas!! But my computer is just such a slow poke..plus I left all of my dvd's in the States and don't have a dvd drive on my comp :S I am hope to at least finish my colaboration with EKR...but she doesn't seem very eager to finish it up...nor to send it over and give me the chance to finish it...so I am a bit pissed about that!

geee..i have to give a big BOO to TAMMYYYYYY (Dragonfly)...she made me...read...something.....HORRIBLE yesterday lol A Teal/Jack/Daniel Fic...how sick is that...LOOL I have to admit some parts where fun...but most of it was disturbing..on many levels..lol sick sick Tammy :P I am not gonne link this..no no..don't spread the evil lol

hm..let's see...just finished Season 8..which I really liked :) especially reckoning was pretty cool :D MAjorly dissapointed though about THREADS being the ONLY episode without ANY!!!  special features...not even audio commentary..and it was definetly one of those eps I was most curious about..argh (yeah I am a total geek and watch the audio commentaire ;) )

A finally updated my vidding page as well..it was about time lol

weee (i get the feeling i start pretty much every entry with either weee..or wohoo..erm..oh well lol)

I just got my tickets for going to Minnesota today!!! Finally!! I'll be leaving next thursday.. And I even was lucky enough to catch a direct flight..means no trouble with spending to much time at the customs and therefor missing your connection flight..and it just takes lots of stress away...

the only down side though..it was a hell of an expense...since I'll be staying for 3 month I wasn't able to take one of klm's special offers or last minute ..because those only allow you to stay up to a month the most. So now..I'm really out of money...those alst two years of going back and forth between the states have really been eating up my savings..and yes i have people support me...my parents, grandma and of course Chandler but I don't really know how I am EVER going to be ableto finance college...EVER :S

I wont even have any money comming into my account either since I wont be allowed to work over in the us..omg..this is just getting worse..if I wouldn't be 10000% sure that it will be allll worth it in the end I would have never spend so much money on anything..(no wait..that's not true..I just went shopping a few days ago spending 50 bugs on clothes...oh man..I'm aweful!!!)

For now I really only want to concentrate on enjoying the rest of the summer ..and maybe....just maybe all those worries will somehow all dissapear with a big burst..hey..a gurl can dreamm, right?

Another slightly depressing thing..it's Friday ..and Stargate season 9 premieres today on scifi...but I wont be able to watch it..now you are going to say..well you will be there next thursday though so one episode can't really hurt..but the problem is that we don't have cabel at home..meaning no sci fi!!!! ahhh *falling into a dark abyss* well..we may suprisingly have to stop by grandma and grandpa now every friday around 8..har har lol

BUT like it can't really get worse...I wont be having a compute reither..well ther eis a computer but a really (i mean REALLY) slow one...which will barely let me check my email without me having the urge to shove it right through a wall..so let alone..let's not even talk about me attempting to vid on that thing!
And once back up at College in Ely there wont be anything..no tv..no computer..ahhh what am I gonne do...I really am literally surviving on love ...how pathetic lol

Well..you know what they say..we get used to pretty much everything..and I guess that will go for me, too.
I bet I will miss vidding adn all the great people I met over this fandom..but after all we tend to forget real quick..which already makes me mad.

ok..this was already a way too long post..plus I hear a thunderstorm coming up in the distance..i love storms..have something cozy and cuddly...and that's exactly what I need right now.

I'm back from the UK :)

Which was awesome btw...had a great time!!! Thanx so much to Muppi for being such a great host :D

Anyways...back in Germany leaves me only worrying about if and when I'll finally get my greencard and if hopefully things

will work out as I planned them :S

Yesterday I talked to a lady from the greencard organisation to ask If I could also issue my greencard for the  USA or if I needed to stay in germany for the interview and the paperwork. Luckily I don't..so I can leave whenever I want...BUT then she told me that even if I get the greencard it will take up to 3-6 month until you get an interview with the embassy and the up to another two motn 'til you have your greencard..which sucks big time since I can only stay in the us for three month without a visa.

Another irritating fact she told me was that even If I get married in case I wont get the greencard I wont be able to work for 4 (!!!!!!!) freakin years!! obviously a protection against people that just come over there and marry to work..but still.it's so not fair to the people who really are in love and try to build a life together....forcryingoutloud...

so yeah..thats the rather unpleasant update on that...

what it looks like right now I'll probably be leaving germany in about two to three weeks...and then we'll just go from there I guess :S

One new thing...While I was visiting Muppi I got the chance to make a new vid...yay :D

It's Jack/danny vid..friendship that is ;) to u2's sometimes you can't make it on your own..feel free to check it out on my sg site!

That's it for the update I guess :S

Good news: I passed all my finals with pretty good results!!! yayyyy...no retesting *puts party hat on*

So now I am officially done with school over here in germany...so relieved...but also weired to think about it still.

I'll be moving to America in the end of July..no date set yet..but I'm pretty sure it's going to be around that time. Since I don't have my greencard yet..I'm a little worried that I won't get it..but I'll just have to wait and see..if not I'll have to get married ;)

Until then I'll enjoy the little time that's left with my friends and family and try to have some fun. Only one and a half more weeks until I'm going to visit the_muppet in the Uk :D Can't wait..we'll have a crazy blast.

No new Stargate vids made so far..however though I'm in the making of a collab with ekr1703 ...fun team vid comming soon..so watch out for that :D

Oh..check out this fun parody of Sg-1 HERE

I actually updated my Stargate Vid page as well...put a I recommend site on with all my fav vids and fan fiction :)

soo..let's see..nothing else is new really...having some good Stargate dreams lately...I figured the less Sg-1 I watch..the more I dream about it..I probably need to make up for it in my sleep lol insane, huh.

oh btw..I went on vacation to Mallroca two weeks ago...with two of my best friends..and it was great...supa weather and just such a beautiful landscape..loved it :D